Being a better friend to yourself: Silencing your inner critic and unleashing your inner coach

Today’s post is about transforming your critical inner dialog to more positive dialog. Silencing your inner critic or at least quieting it and being more compassionate. Treating yourself more like you would a friend.

I became fascinated by the idea that my self-talk could be used as a tool after my husband died suddenly in an accident. Struggling to manage the heavy mantle of responsibility, anxiety and depression that had settled within me, I started paying more attention to my internal dialog— the times when I was coaching myself to be better and the times, I was berating myself for not being good enough.

It was then, I realized how pervasive and damaging the “not good enough” dialog was to my confidence and decision-making, both of which were in high demand. I began asking myself, “Would I treat a friend this way? Would my friend still be my friend if I did?” The answer was and is still a resounding “Hell no!”

The truth is, negative self-talk is the ultimate self-betrayal and administering it 365 days a year, 10-15 hours a day contributed to my inability to truly trust myself.

To bring this thought home, let’s image me, as a child in a hypothetical situation. It’s a nice sunny day and we’re out on a playground. I’m a scrappy eight-year-old who loves to challenge herself. I jump up on the Monkey Bars, and one rung at a time, I cross to the other side. I’m feeling pretty good about this as I drop to the ground.

Suddenly, there’s another kid right in my face. Weirdly, she looks just like me. Without warning, she kicks me in the shin, calls me stupid, and tells me I could have done that much better. (These two are face to face, nose to nose)

Now, if we’d been standing there, witnessing this we’d be saying, “What the heck is going on here? Why is she doing that?” And we’d probably step in and break it up. Wouldn’t we? (show people standing off to the side looking at these two)

The thing is this is the nature of our internal self-talk. We are both the playground bully and the victim. Fascinating! Controllable! For we can also be the independent witness and break it up!

The point is, allowing negative self-talk to go unchecked for even a minute more in our lives is within our power to control— to halt— to change. This is the essence of Positive Psychology. Which, by the way, isn’t meant to be toxically positive, ignoring anything bad that happens. Life is hard. It’s unfair and it’s unpredictable. The goal of Positive Psychology is to harness the very power within us when the going gets tough—to build— not tear down— ourselves.

Psychologist, author and Seattle Professor, Rachel Turow, suggests that negative self-talk is like the ‘smoking’ of mental health. It’s bad for you and strongly associated with stress, depression and anxiety.

We all make mistakes. We are human and this life is all a great experiment (maybe show a woman in a lab coat mixing test tubes and beakers?). It’s an adventure without a guidebook (show someone in a pith helmet in a jungle?).

But every day, every event provides us with the opportunity to either stymie or destroy ourselves with self-talk like, “I can’t do this! I’m such an idiot!” or to build a stronger, more resilient, motivated, and kind person with self-talk like, “Hey, it’s okay, it’s your first time trying this, you can do it.”

When the going gets tough, Dr. Kristen Neff, a pioneer in the study of self-compassion, suggests a self-compassion break. This involves two things; one, taking a moment to acknowledge, “Gosh, I am suffering right now… I really am struggling.” and two, gracing ourselves with permission to ask, “how can I support myself in this moment?” 

Research demonstrates that we are motivated to overcome when we practice self-compassion. When we are kind and supportive to ourselves and to others. Not when we are disparaging. That said, if you like me, have used the inner “drill sergeant” to motivate you, changing your inner dialog is going to take some practice. It did for me, and it still does.

It will mean, each day, being mindful of the constant critic, interrupting the faultfinder, silencing the detractor and the vilifier. It will mean taking the helm in our lives as the praiser, the positive coach, and the encourager. For some, this may feel silly and unnatural at first but keep at it! It’s worth it.

Give voice to that positive inner-self and administer affirmations of self-trust, encouragement, admiration and if you allow it, good lord, maybe even some pride.

I’m not saying be arrogant, I’m saying demonstrate belief in yourself for yourself. Just saying those words makes me say, “Hell yeah! I want to do that!” Who wouldn’t want to flip that magnet?

Fight back every time the critic kicks you in the shin and tells you you're stupid. Stand up! Dust yourself off and tell the critic to back off! Then, re-focus. Be patient with yourself. Have compassion for the journey you are on and encourage yourself to continue.

Be your own best friend, greatest coach and most trusted life-ally. That’s a strong core. That’s an amazing foundation upon which, and around which, to build a life.